Colon Confusion

“It’s all about muscle confusion,” my college lifting partner would squeak at me.
Due to his lengthy career as a medical student, the only thing that surpassed Grant’s debt was his knowledge of anatomy.
For all the impromptu anatomy lessons I got while we lifted weights together, the one I remember most is that “muscle confusion” is very important. Evidently, my muscles need “different” exercises than the ones I always wanted to do. If I did the same weight lifting routine for more than a few days in a row, my muscles would plateau and my hair would fall out and my spleen would rupture. Or something like that, I wasn’t really paying attention.
What I didn’t know at the time was that my colon was paying attention, because it has the muscle confusion technique mastered. I noticed it particularly when traveling..
At first, my colon would be unhappy if I had pressure on my stomach. I took to holding my seatbelt a little slack with one hand at all times and sometimes loosening my belt. But those colon muscles must have plateaued and been worried about my spleen, because the game soon changed.
Next, my colon played the jealous ex game. I would urgently need the bathroom when it was just out of reach. But after I got there, and was able to have my way with the bathroom, I didn’t need it anymore. Typical high school relationship stuff. Come on, colon. Grow up.
Now to throw in some more confusion, it is going with a more passive aggressive tactic. My stomach will feel uneasy like I’m going to need a bathroom reeeeeal quick… but then nothing happens. Then the same thing 10 minutes later… and nothing. and then Boom! bathroom, now, sucker!
So as retribution, I call it means names on my blog. I would punch it in the face… but we share a face… so that’s no good. I get the feeling that it doesn’t care that I call it names though… I’m beginning to think it doesn’t even read my blog. Jerk.
It’s ok though. I’ll have the last laugh. It thinks it’s so cute with it’s confusing travel games. Well, figure this one out colon: fireball. whiskey.


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